What do I want?

by mvw110

I want to be happy. I saw what that was a few weeks ago. I felt like there was nothing in the world that could take me down.

I started to do things I’ve put off for months or years, that needed to be done. I would wake up every morning, turn off my alarm, and get right in the shower.

I looked forward to conversations with friends who were feeling down. I knew I could help brighten their day, and wanted to have that chance.

I looked at my job and my career and was proud. I was excited to take on new challenges and my desk, email, and calendar were easy to organize.

I took vitamins and my MS meds every morning and every night. I would get tired of sitting inside and just go for a walk. I would look at the sunset and smile.

The cool air at night, and even rain seemed nice. I didn’t long for the warm to come back, and was happy walking to work from Bart with a stiff breeze in my face.

I looked at MS and wanted to help others win, to help the people worse off than me find a cure for them, not so much for me, because I was feeling fine.

I would look in the mirror and see my weight loss and be excited to lose more, and happy at what I’d accomplished.

Getting done work meant I would head home, and cook dinner. I was excited to try new recipes.

I would fall asleep, early, because I was tired. I would usually be texting or playing some stupid game on my phone, in bed, and sleep would just ease in.

Now I can’t sleep. I wake up 3 times a night, with a feeling of anxiety in my stomach.

I look in the mirror and see what else needs to change and just get tired thinking about the work I have to put in.

I hate being alone, anywhere, and want to be around people at all times, but then when I am, I don’t want to keep talking about bad shit, and I want to leave.

Any plans in my future seem like effort. They seem like something that will just take too much energy to do.

I think about cooking and even ordering food and decide that I don’t want to do that until I get to point where I just need to eat. Food’s not that appetizing anyway.

I get to work and the computer screen hurts my head. Staring at it makes me feel like I have so much stuff to put in order, and I’m so behind.

I throw my clothes on the ground until they pile up too high, then I put them in laundry bags until I get to the point where I need to wear something so bad I have to clean them, or pay like 80 bucks to get a washing service to do it.

I listen to my friends problems and try to relate but end up just coming back to my own issues again and again, feeling selfish, but uncontrollable at the same time.

I forget to take my vitamins every day, sometimes taking them when I get home, sometimes not; same thing with the meds.

I wake up with a shriek, and instantly want to go back to sleep. Usually this is around 5:30-6am so I change my alarm to a little later, but when I roll back over, I can’t fall asleep. I can’t think clearly. I just worry.

I have a feeling I haven’t had in a long, long, time. Just a general uncomfortable feeling that makes me feel like things aren’t right anywhere I am.

I want to be in public, but I don’t want to talk to people. I see the look of care my friends have when I say something sad, and that feeling hurts me. I don’t want to be around sad people, I feed off the energy of everyone I’m around. But, I’m the one making that feeling exist.

What changed? There’s the easiest answer; I was falling in love and that person decided they weren’t feeling the same way. That throws anyone for a loop. I mean if you asked people why they were sad, I would guess relationships, or lack there of, would be high on that list.

But, while I agree that this is a big factor in how I’m feeling right now, a few of the weeks when I was feeling my greatest were when I was starting to realize this relationship was in trouble.

I could, at that point, look at it and say, “if this is for real, it will work.”   I could look in the mirror and feel like another relationship would come along if this didn’t work.

While I told myself all of this, a few things changed as well.

I started smoking every now and then. I started drinking more and more, I stopped eating healthy, and I stopped exercising.

I started it off having a blast every time I went out. By this last weekend, I was back to where I’ve been way too much in the last 3 years of my life. Sitting at a friend’s house drinking, and trying to not feel anything.

I think it’s easy to point to the relationship falling apart making me want to drink and feel better.

I don’t know if that’s the direction I’d go, though.   Maybe it’s me losing my healthy streak, and losing all of the good things I was doing for myself, that put me in a position where I can’t weather a sad turn in my life.

Maybe, I know now, that my MS symptoms are much more containable if I try to be healthy.   I know that trying to drink to forget it only worsens my constant battle with depression, that’s lasted the last 10 years off and on.

Maybe, I know that dealing with my issues, makes them go away. That sounds simple, I know.

Maybe, I am realizing that my life is changing, and what I want in my life is so much different than I thought before.

Maybe I’m realizing that my approach towards the future has been off for a long, long time, and just now I’m realizing I need to improve that to finally achieve what I want for myself.

Maybe I’m realizing, that while I tried really hard to put myself in the best position for this to work, the last few months, I also did it for her, and not for me. That’s never going to work out in the long run. Maybe I’m realizing that as much as I was crazy about her, for about 90 percent of her, there was still that last 10 percent that was off.  Maybe she saw that 10 percent in me, or in us, and knew it wasn’t there.

Maybe I’m realizing that I’m going to do this again, with someone else. Maybe that person will make me feel the same way. But If that feeling is saving me from feeling like I do right now, and have, off and on, for the last few years, there will be no chance for that relationship either.

Maybe I realize that a lot of the things I did in this relationship, were out of fear. Fear that she wouldn’t think I stacked up and was “good enough.”

Maybe I’m realizing that that fear, and that feeling, is never going to lead to anything healthy for me again. Maybe I realize that if I choose to not change a lot of the ways I think and live, I will keep reliving this, over and over.

Hopefully I realize soon; that isn’t a choice I can allow myself to make.