Moving Forward

by mvw110

After 15 days of Whole 30 and no cigarettes I feel like a different person.  Not internally, and not emotionally, but just physically.

Waking up, used to hurt.  My fatigue, I realize now, was pretty bad.  MS wasn’t the only culprit, but aided by a shitty diet, I think it was to blame for some of it.

I can’t take the last two weeks and just go back to what I was doing before.  I can’t.

I can’t let the urge to give up for a bit take over.  Even when I get frustrated with work, lonely, or feel bad about relationship/dating events.

That’s easier said than done.  I’ve sort of isolated myself during the last two weeks, and haven’t been in public much.  I’ve shied away from anything that resembles a party or a bar, and I think I needed to.

I, also, have really missed socializing.  I’ve put too much stock in my close relationships with a few people, and spent all of my time with 4-5 of them.  I want to get back into meeting more and new people, and I want to get out there.  I just am so afraid of smoking.

I know it’s only been 15 days, but the urge has been strong, time to time, and if I had ANY alcohol in my system, I’m pretty sure I would’ve slipped up.

Two nights ago, I was feeling pretty low, and stopped at 7-11 to get ice tea.  Well, I told myself that.  I bought a pack of Camel Crush cigarettes and walked outside.  After packing it a huge feeling of guilt overwhelmed me.  The feeling I would usually get the next day, after I’d smoked 3-4 that night.  I’ve done that before, and have thrown out the pack with 14-5 cigarettes left (usually after smoking one more).   Then, two days later I’m giving a homeless person in SF 9 cigs left in the next pack.  Then the next day, I’m buying the third.  Then I’m smoking again.

I thought about all of this standing in front of the RedBox DVD rental and just took the open pack, and set it on top of the machine and got in my car.  I drove home, played some Xbox, watched some Netflix, and went to sleep.

This didn’t make me feel proud.  It made me question my resolve.  It made me question everything I wrote in the last post.  Was this all about doing this to impress a girl?  Was it for my friends and family that are dying to see me healthy?  Was I able to do it, and was the first glimpse of sadness in weeks enough to push me right off track?  Was me stopping and not falling off a sign that I am stronger already?

These questions have been running through my head for two days.  It goes back to the fear with a disease like MS.  It goes back to that fear of the unknown.  That fear that you can’t predict the future, that you can’t avoid the bad in life.  It goes back to that fear I’ve had all along, “Am I just fucked up?”

Through my half-hearted search for mindfulness and inner peace, I’ve learned a bit about myself.  But I’ve also ran into the same questions.  The questions are usually my inner voice talking, thus ruining the quest for actual mindfulness when I constantly listen to them and address them, one by one.

That leads me back here, to this blog again.  And that leads me to another one of my inner feelings towards myself.  I’m still writing time to time, but it doesn’t feel as meaningful, because no one reads it now.  I could easily post again to Facebook and Twitter, and then I would probably have my 100-300 person audience back.  The attention would be there, the accountability that I had been seeking would be back.

But that wouldn’t change the bad things that I bring into my life.  The NEED for attention, the constant desire to be recognized when I’m doing good stuff, to need to–not so much, account for the bad, but to throw it out there because of my guilt would be back as well.

This is what I’ve been trying to avoid.  And this is not the point of this.  A pat on the back from friends and family is great and all, but one from myself is probably the most important.

I’ve gone two weeks with monumental changes to my health and lifestyle.  I feel better, and while still a bit dark, the depression and anxiety is no where near where it was when I would counter it with alcohol and tobacco and poisonous foods and worse.   The outlook for my future is still bright.  In fact it’s more akin to a bright light in the distance, than a dark cloud.  You can’t decide what either signifies, but the light does seem a lot more fun to travel to.