RE-_____

2014-12-29 22.50.32

I didn’t want to have any part of an “end of 2014/New Year’s Resolution” type blog post. I also had planned on writing more than once since I was released from the hospital in November.

As I sat to push myself through this before moving on to some non-existent New Year’s Eve plans that will materialize and, knowing San Francisco, probably still be fun, I had no idea what I was going to write.

I feel like I try to inspire myself as much as others when I write here, but I wouldn’t be honest if I act like I’m always inspired.

As 2014 rolls to a close I have to say that inspiration only pushes you so far. Being inspired and working for a few weeks / months is why diets “work” then don’t. It’s why setting short-term goals works so much better than dealing with long-term prospects.

This year I have been inspired at times, I have made decisions based on that. I have also had moments where I lost all inspiration and felt lost, depressed, and never worse about myself as a person.

I have no interest in 900 word pat on the back from myself but looking at 2014, I have done so much. I can’t act like life is horrible. I have no interest in saying what I will do in 2015, because one of the only things I’ve learned this year, is that plans change and you have to adapt with them. One minute you’re gliding high, the next minute you’re in a hospital bed with your leg looking like a zombie infection.

My mentality and mood is determined by what’s going on in my life, and my hopes, dreams, and even memories are tinted by my mood.

With this in mind, I will try to give an assessment of where I am right now. An accurate idea of what I really feel about my life.

RE-build: I’m in the Rebuild trial. The trial is a double-blind, parallel group, placebo based trial that has a “cross-over.” Which means that I will get the medicine that is supposed to help regrow some of the myelin sheath surrounding my neurons, which MS eats away no matter what group I’m in. I have to get a first appointment set up for January, and the biggest problem I see is that I will have a few more doctor’s appointments scheduled in for the Spring. I’m excited to see if this helps, and it feels like I’m helping others by partaking in the study. I can’t see a downside to this, as the medicine has minimal or no side effects.

RE-evaluate: My life. I look at it at times and am ashamed that I’m not farther along the path I envisioned for myself when I was a teenager growing up in NJ. I live in the Bay Area, I have a great job. I had a great year at said job, while dealing with some major issues in my life. Every one of the problems in my life comes from something I create for myself. I’ve managed to stay out of my own way enough since 2008 to graduate from college, start a career, and move across the country. I have no idea where my life will take me, but I know I’ve done some stuff to be proud of. I’ve accomplished things and made my mark along the way. This is the extent of the back patting, but I have to have a lot to be proud of so that I can strive to keep rising.

RE-think: My decision to “save money” and not come home for the holidays. I had a blast out here, but I don’t feel like I ever had a Christmas. Being with my family and friends was like a reset button last year, and it got me leveled off and ready to take on 2014. I came back in January swinging and had about the best 6 months of my entire life, aside from one issue. I hope I didn’t miss out on that this year.

RE-charge: 2015, goals. My goals aren’t going to be set in stone, or any type of resolution, but I just want to get out of my own head and get back to being me. I am most of the time, and I would think only those that know me best would understand my level of anxiety and over-thinking, but I want to be done with that so that I can experience life to the fullest as I go forward. Work, friends, women, everything; worrying and planning for what I think is going to happen never really helps. Live in the moment and appreciate this quote that has been on my facebook wall for 7 years. “Never looking back or too far in front of me, the present is a gift and I just wanna be.”

RE-engage: Work. Dating. Friendships. Health. For the past two months I have sort of pulled back from a lot of these things. Part of this is being in hospital, and then stuck in my living room for a few weeks. Part of this is depression and anxiety. Part of this is the fact that it was easier to drink at my house and go to sleep. None of this is what I want for my life. Time to get out there and experience the world.

Re-act: When things arise in my life I tend to either procrastinate or pull away from anything unsettling or that could be a set back. Time to be productive and to create progress. This doesn’t just include new things that help, it means dealing with any issues head on as opposed to acting like it doesn’t matter until things pile up.

You all get the picture. This year has been huge for me. Coming to grips with a degenerative disease that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, coming to grips with the end of the most significant relationship of my life, coming to grips with the West Coast actually being my home and not just a place I moved, and coming to grips with myself have all been a part of it. I feel good about most of those things. I like it here. I have made some friends will be with me for the rest of my life. I have gotten to know this city, and feel at home in my small bay town. I haven’t totally gotten a grip on relationships, but I don’t have any hate or blame left from before. I think that I’m ready to put myself out there again. I thought I was earlier this year, and I wish I was, but I wasn’t. 4 years isn’t something to laugh at, so I’m done blaming myself for everything there too.

Now the big one. MS. I still am not scared when I think about it. I still focus on other parts of my life when I am depressed or upset. I still feel better when I just ignore it, and then take a symptom such as not being able to catch keys when people toss them to me, or not being able to speak as fluently (and I do love talking) as I’d like hard. But, I think I’m getting there. It’s an exciting time for auto-immune diseases, and there’s actual cures coming. On top of that, I do realize that I have the opportunity to do some amazing things with my life, and I am going to do them.

Finally a big thank you to everyone in my life. I want to name everybody (never named people on the blog on purpose) but my main worry is that I’d forget someone important. Let’s just say that every phone conversation, every person that was there when I found out I may have MS 3 years ago, every person that’s picked me up from a hospital (unfortunately that’s multiple), every person that climbed my hike, every person that donated to the fundraiser, every person that’s listened to me bitch once or 9 million times, every person that ran in the muck at Muckfest, every person that’s commented, liked or just read my posts, every kid that payed attention to me when I spoke at South Hunterdon, every person in my life out here, every person from my life back home, every family member that checks on me, and worries about me (I wish they wouldn’t but I get it), and all the people that I meet on a daily basis. I have a life with so many important people in it, that I don’t know who to call sometimes. I focus on certain people that are there, and sometimes forget about ones that I shouldn’t leave out. I hope I’m a good friend, son, brother, cousin, nephew, grandson, co-worker, date, ex-boyfriend, recruiter, adviser, conversationalist, etc, because you have all made me me on the other side of these relationships. Thank you for that.

I guess I did a 2014 recap after all. Let’s go do this 2015 thing, you guys.

Happy New Year,

– M