Since I came home from New Jersey I haven’t written anything or even attempted. Usually, things just come to me. A lot of them came out of darkness, a lot of them came out of inspiration.
I’ve found it hard to find either lately.
I don’t know what this means. I think it has something to do with how long this is. It’s not an issue where I just get over it, and things are great. And, it’s not a situation where if I don’t change immediately, the circumstances will be horrific immediately.
I’m stuck waiting. I’m stuck trying to figure out life. I thought that if I just got an idea to be better, than things would just follow. I can do some exercises; I still have the same issues I always did. I can change my habits; I still have the same vices. I can change my outlook; I still have the same fears.
Coming home was the best trip back I’ve ever had. I wished for more time with my friends and family, while at the same time being excited to get back to my life in California. I was ready to leave when I traveled to the airport, but extremely sad saying goodbye to everyone before I left.
Then I got back here.
Being back means that I have to keep going with life, that I have to move forward. I haven’t been great since I’ve gotten home, and I haven’t been bad either.
I’m focused at work more, and I’m still not being entirely unhealthy. I’m not depressed, and I’m not anxious at all times, but I’m not excited or enthralled either.
That’s the problem with a disease that doesn’t end your life, and is still scary. I feel as though I need to be an entirely different person to get by it, but I also don’t feel the urgency that I need.
I’ve been hit with some good old fashioned perspective recently, and it doesn’t really do anything. My entire apartment building almost burned down, and I watched as my neighbors left their water and smoked damaged apartments. I only lost electricity and hot water for a bit.
I have heard more and more stories of people diagnosed with MS that have had it more sudden and more aggressive than I seem to have. I have seen other people with diseases that are way more dangerous and extreme.
I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for myself, or to feel confident that I have this under control.
I’m stuck in the middle, and I don’t know what that means. I have a ton of great things going in my life. I know this. I am confident more than I have been in 4 months, and I still feel like I’m not in control of myself at all times.
I know that the inspiring conversations bring more comments and more support, and I feel like I shouldn’t just write on this blog to bitch and whine. I don’t know what I should do though, because I feel like I need to write something.
I wanted to be honest on here, and I wanted to make this a story of my progression through everything. What do I do when I am not totally progressing (or regressing)?
I have to set goals, and I have to get the engine moving forward before it goes backward. Stagnation has never been good for me. Sitting still has never been something I’m ok with.
Falling into patterns feels good when they are healthy, but I’ve always started to get bored then turn them unhealthy.
I’ve figured out how to get control of my emotional state. I’ve figured out how to keep myself from swinging wildly. I just now have to figure out how to just let myself be happy.
I deserve it, and I know what I need to do it. I’ve written about guilt on here before, and I know that’s still something I need to get over. Pride and guilt really don’t do anything productive for anyone. They’re just remnants of the past that keep us content or push us lower.
It all really comes down to what do I want?
What do I want in my life?
I want to experience new things – too general
I want to travel – too general
I want to have a great time – too general
I want to have success – too general
All of these things aren’t real. I have to just figure out exact things I want, and I have to set up a path to get to them.
When I was 25, I wanted to get married and have kids. I’ve been 100% against both of those things for the past 7 years. When I finished going back to Penn State, I wanted to move to California. Well, I did that. A few years ago, I wanted to think about grad school. Now, I don’t have any interest in that.
I know I do want to travel. I know I do want to meet tons of new people. I know I do want to experience new things. I know I do enjoy my life out here. I know I need to find a way to fully embrace the now, while not just saying, “fuck it.”
I am going to stop planning things in my head for no reason. I’m going to stop wondering why things happen the way they do, or what other people are thinking. I’m going to have to stop over thinking every part of my life. I’m just going to have a little fun. I’m just going to focus at work. I’m just going to talk to more people. I’m just going to keep saying yes to new experiences.
Hopefully I have something to write about sometime soon.