Fear

by mvw110

I’m not OK. I’m not good. I’m not a hero, that gets bad news and rolls right into being an inspiration. That can take things with perspective and look at people that have it worse and not feel bad for themselves. I’m not someone that can just turn off thinking about all the possibilities. I’m not someone who hasn’t dealt with crippling depression before. I’m not someone that can easily separate the bad things that are affecting them, from the ones that feel like they are affecting them. I’m not someone that can handle being in a wheelchair. I’m not someone that can deal with the downward spiral in cognitive ability. I’m not someone that has ever learned to be organized, and that can easily adjust to just not memorizing everything, and things being easy every day. I’m not someone that can look into the face of my own mortality and smile. I’m not someone that can feel ok by myself, even though I realize I have more good friends than anyone should have. I’m not someone that can feel not-guilty when thinking about all the people that care about him. I’m not someone that can let everyone down again.

I am someone that can learn to not give up. I am someone that can learn to feel good about themself and have in many ways.   I am someone that can realize that these thoughts will change rapidly at times. I am someone that understands Stumbling on Happiness, and can realize that my predictor of the future is flawed because of current feelings. I am someone that realizes that I will fall in love again, even with MS, and that it will make me feel better about everything in my life when it happens. I am someone that realizes that I will just get back to a dark place if I make someone else my cause for happiness. I am someone that is ready to admit I’ve never gotten over their ex. That you are both hurt by the fact that you fell that hard for someone who didn’t have your best interests EVER in mind, and that someone you loved did try to hurt you that bad. You are also a person that can look at this person, and not have bad feelings, that can actually hope that they are doing well.   You realize that this is not something many people can say with full honesty. You realize that you let go of any fears and feelings from that relationship in the short time with the last girl, but that you were in no way ready to be in a relationship.   I totally understand that I’m going to freak out routinely for the rest of your life until you come to grips with who you are.

These thoughts are probably all gibberish, and will be something I look back on in weeks / months and don’t even remember. I have spoken about how I had a personal journal before. In that personal journal, so many of the posts were about the aforementioned ex, that when I look back I actually doesn’t even register. My thoughts and emotions that, at the time, felt so real, were in no way lasting or constant.

If I continue on my road, if I keep going in a positive direction, good things will happen. If I continue to make good decisions, and continue to meet new people, I will change everything I believe, because I am not a person that’s stubborn. I am someone who loves, someone who experiences, and someone who is constantly evaluating and overthinking.

I also like these things about myself. In the 2 years since I decided that I was going to look for a new job, and try to move to a new place. I have got the diagnoses that triggered this whole blog. I have moved across the country. I have become single and bounced through many dates without having many that meant something. I have had a few. I have also learned that I can do almost anything I put my mind to. I can make myself feel like shit because I let my mind run, or I can just choose to be happy, and not lose touch with my sense of wonder and adventure, and then I will not be upset. I can be the guy who wears a snow white dress, because it makes people smile, or it drives for that few hundred dollars for a good cause. I can be the one that dances horribly, in a room full of people with rhythm. I can still have fun in this situation. I can have fun in any, really. I will.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but who the fuck does? I can type this out in a word doc, with no intents on posting it publicly, and finish the typing, and realize that this is the reason I started the blog. For the nights when you’re 7 hours away from flying to Vegas, where you’re coming home and feeling pretty good, and then the horror from today hits. The horror from when you stupidly clicked on “Dating with MS” on Google.   The horror from when you realized that some of the complications and the stories from people that have gone through it, reminded you of situations you’ve been in. The horror from the realization that the other examples, in the article, could be you in the future. Well, we’re posting it. Because I wanted people to know what you go through. I literally sat down to write about what MS is and what it means to me, but I was feeling so crappy, that I had to write this.

I feel better now, and I don’t need the old “stick through it, Matt” comments. I appreciate them. I am never stopping fighting, and I am never going to give up. I have 3 sisters, too many friends, and the best family that I will never give up on.

The ex told me that no one would love me with MS, and I don’t care if she even sees this. That feeling is bullshit, because as soon as Matt Walker starts loving Matt Walker, he will see that way too many people already love him. 

-Matt

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