I can still walk, why use it up stumbling drunk through life?

by mvw110

Party!

Welcome everyone,  or the 3 people that actually read this, more accurately.

I’m Matt.  I’m 31 years old and I’ve lived in the Bay Area for about 1.5 years.  I’ve been diagnosed with MS.  To be absolutely honest, the only take away that I have is that I had the “good” kind when I was first diagnosed.

I heard that, and figured I’d have a few years to adjust to any issues, at worst.  The diagnosis was to be followed by my going away party, you see, and I was leaving for San Francisco the next morning.

I sat with my mother in the doctor’s office at UPenn, and half-listened to everything that was said after the words, “confirmed,” “good news,” “not super aggressive,” and “caught early” came out of the doctor’s mouth.

I left upbeat.  This wasn’t stopping me.  I was moving, and the two websites I read told me that MS wasn’t something that would end my life!  So my vision went out time to time.  So I was super tired always.  So I didn’t have hand-eye coordination anymore.  Big deal.  It was recessive, and I, being the expert I am, knew that meant “goes away for time.”

The next  month was a drunken, happy, exciting and astonishing blur through goodbyes, new towns like Austin, San Diego, and eventually the Bay Area.  The road trip was freeing.  It was mesmerizing.   It was life changing.

Then work started.  I met engineers from Google, founders of the most impressive startups I’ve ever seen, overly friendly recruiters from other companies, people smarter than I’ve ever imagined.

The first few months were hard, but insanely fun.  I didn’t have the success at work immediately and started spending tons of money.  I met dozens of new people, and a good amount that are in my life weekly to this day.

Then, I totally ran out of money.  I had some bad luck, as a commission recruiter, it happens.  But, I spent A LOT of it having the already mentioned fun.

I woke up a little bit, or just started to get good luck.  No one knows, and things got better and better and better.

A broken ankle last October, and a month recovering and working from my mother’s house back in NJ couldn’t even hold me back.

2014 has been the greatest year of my life so far.  I have never felt better about every aspect of my life.

Except, I’m not happy.  When things go wrong, as they always do in life, I can feel sinking despair clawing at me.

This is because I’ve treated my MS like an annoying rash that goes away sometimes and not a major disease that I have to come to grips with.  It’s getting worse.  I had another flare up last month, and from what my under-educated ass can tell, that means I may have a more aggressive form that I imagined, or at least that’s what the new doctor said.

This blog was rushed into, like many of the creative or different things I think about doing.  It wasn’t thought out, and it wasn’t planned for a long while.

I was depressed for reasons that I thought were important, then I realized that, “hey, you may just stop being able to walk one day and you’re terrified about being alone” was the real issue.

I have not even approached coming to grips with my situation.  I’m just starting.  I can’t promise things won’t turn good (or bad) for me and I’ll be way too lazy to type any postings here, keep up with my health, stop smoking, keep making videos, or anything really.

But, I hope it’s time.  I’m looking to change the way I approach life.  To really enjoy it the way I pretend I do.  I’m looking to stop calling things that I don’t like “stupid,” because my MS, ankle, and unhealthiness make them hard.  I want to do things I’m scared of and feel accomplishment.

I looked online and saw a ton of videos, blogs, and websites with harrowing, inspiring, tragic, happy, enthralling and detailed stories on MS.  But, I didn’t find anyone that I identified with.  I didn’t see anyone that was in denial, confused, and just starting out.  I didn’t see anyone that feels alright, and is under the impression that they are happy and “good” because they were deep in denial.  Seeing others that had accepted or were dealing with their plight was fantastic.   I just wished there was someone like me.  Well, I hope I can be that guy.

I hope at some point this helps one person like I was this week.  I hope doing this helps me in the future.

I’m scared shitless for the first time since the diagnosis was up in the air, and I didn’t know what was wrong, and that feels great.

– Matt

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